Negative Emotion Contains Our Dearest Treasure
March 11th, 2010
We have so many ways to fix negative feelings, to minimize their impact, that we have the strong impression we no longer need to feel them. There’s taking a pill, drug or other mind-altering substance; calling a friend; seeing a movie; having sex; and so forth and so on. We seldom if ever notice our great loss in employing these strategies to stunt or stupefy negative emotional experience. What’s lost is learning new unexpected things about ourself – and thus about life. Negative emotional experience just happens to be the only place we’ll find new information trying to access our life, offering us the chance to see some part of ourselves differently, thus capable of changing us.
Positive feeling experience is wonderful. It’s no surprise or sin that we want to spend as much time inside it as possible. Nothing else makes more sense. But that doesn’t mean to kill the baby with the bathwater. We all want to ease distress and unhappiness as efficiently as possible. But positive emotional energy doesn’t offer anything new; that’s what’s so good about it – no hassles. Learning always disturbs. That’s what makes it such a good carrier of new information.
The question is whether, in being happy, we avoid taking even a moment to pluck just one valuable piece of new information out of our unhappiness before abandoning it? That’s all it takes to learn, to build upon that one piece.
Actually learning requires a bit more than acknowledging and accepting the right of that negative feeling to exist right where it sits. But without surrender to its right to be negative, we’ll never pick up what it’s trying to point at that’s not right. To allow that prospect to filter into our conscious brain requires letting the negative feeling, and its attitude and perspective, point a finger of criticism at some part of us that it insists isn’t okay – in effect to challenge the status quo of our assumptions about what’s right and what’s wrong in our life at any given time.
Once having let that disquieting possibility unsettle the comfort of our day, we can move on to gain some relief, yet know that this uncomfortable new prospect will continue to haunt us off and on – that is until it starts to make some new sense of some miss-fitting part of our life that has always been that way, but that we’d constantly arranged not to pay any attention to.
The most frequent drug we take to prevent ourselves from paying the least bit of attention to this powerful learning source is to treat negative emotion as being caused entirely by some part of our external world. In other words, if we feel bad, somebody out there must have done something wrong. In this, our most common way of responding to feeling “bad”, we never allow negative emotion and us to get together. Employing this strategy causes a lot of other problems too, mostly of a violent kind since, as we all believe, bad people need bad consequences. Most movies attest to this false reality much of the time. The falseness is not that bad people don’t do bad things to us. It’s rather that this explanation is true only a small portion of the time that we feel negatively – the vast majority of which we never notice beyond seeking escape from it.
If the truth were to become better known, we’re actually afraid of bad feelings. For many of us they occur with great strength, causing us to have serious doubts as to whether we can handle them – even survive having them. Disappointment for many of us, for instance, is not just a feeling of great loss. It’s much more – a feeling of humiliation, of being tricked, made-a-fool-of, betrayed. If negative feeling occurs with such great intensity, then we can’t manage negative emotion alone, until it’s cut down to size. We need help from a very qualified professional, carefully chosen.
It’s only very recently that we’ve decided to pay much attention to the emotional life of our children. So perhaps most of us grew up without any help with what we felt, leaving it to us to manage what’s too big to handle for a kid; leaving emotion in its sometimes hugely enlarged forms drift into our adult experience to dominate our life, making perhaps most of us suffer from Post Traumatic Stress.
And then of course there are times in human history when negative emotion is actually considered a sin – like present-day American culture. That’s when learning ceases almost entirely. And then it’s not until middle age, when we have achieved a relatively high level of general wisdom, that we finally realize the missed opportunities of our earlier years… if we’d only paid attention to the warning signs that we needed to do something different to get where we’d hoped we could manage – to be a writer or a singer or a parent. But by then there’s only time left to dabble in what we’d hoped we could make a career of.
It would help us to know along the way that negative emotion contains the early warning signs that, if thoughtfully attended, could get us back on the track of our destiny.
My additional works can be seen at this website: http://donfenn.com