The Psychology of Secrets
A secret means information that you try to hide from others!
This definition contains important features of secrets:
1-Info: You are not considered crazy if you keep a secret. When you ask people what secrets are, then they often think of things like cheating, something stolen or a strange happening in youth period. Of course these issues are often kept secret, but other innocent subjects are kept as secrets too like your salary, smoking habits, your admired movie star and so on!
2- Unconsciously or intentionally: You keep secrets either accidentally or intentionally. You know exactly which secret you want to keep, and from whom. Sometimes you can even spend effort in order not to let the secret out! Having secrets is a conscious decision by itself. It costs too much mental energy to keep a secret. Secrets are a cognitive load.
3-Keep it hidden: Having secrets is certainly not without difficulty. You have to do your best not to tell it. So you must be careful that you talk about it, and you can set up a poker face when you come into a situation where your secret is in danger. You can not show that you caught or uncomfortable. These situations have to be judged in advance. Finally you can act quickly to repair any mistake if necessary: you must have therefore in advance ready excuses. In other words, having a secret is a socially conscious process where effort need to be done.
4-From others: Secrets are by definition social in nature. That means that there are always other people involved. No one has ever kept a secret from a stone, a table or water. We keep secrets from other people. This may be one person, or almost everyone. These people may be also already dead or even imaginary!
Tips
What can you do if you have a secret that is emotionally stressful for you? Do you share it with someone? It is important to realize that when you tell your secret to someone, you get a different relationship with the person to whom you tell. Sometimes this goes deeper and deeper. Sometimes however, the friendship or relationship undergoes serious pressure, and you may loose that person. In that case the result of sharing the secret is more emotionally stressful than having the secret!
It is recommended not to share your secret with others, sometimes it is better to hold something for you. The U.S. expert and psychologist Anita Kelly says for example that you have to think twice whether and to whom you tell your secret. You need to be sure that the person is reliable and is not going to tell your secret. Therefore, Kelly made the following decision tree:
1. Does the secret causes much load to you?
( For example because you get anxiety, depression, physical ailments like headaches or strange experience, or because you can not live your life because you see certain places or people affect you in a certain way) NO, then it is not necessary to share your secret. You can not then be damaged by telling it. YES, then you can ask the following question:
2. Is there a counselor in your immediate surroundings who is available that you tell discretely, a good listener, not judging and who can help you with new insights? NO? Then it is better not to share it with anyone in your immediate environment but rather share with a professional counselor such as a psychologist, social worker, counselor, a church man, imam or an agency. If you find it difficult to talk about your secrets with professionals, then you can write about it in a diary. You can also write a letter to yourself or the person of your secret, without ever sending the letter.
YES? Then talk about it with that person
In this short article I have made use of a very good book from the Netherlands about the subject but the most researchers are from the united states. From my practise I have been confronted with simple and difficult secrets and confessions from my clients. In deed I was busy for years with difficult cases. People wanted to tell about their deeply hidden secrets. In my position(together with a team), I managed to help many persons. When we used a certain approach and made a person speaks, he/she got great relief. In our situation there was a good degree of trust that made the people speak. A lot of cases were really suffering from extreme anxiety and suffering.
I recently built a website (a forum) where the visitor can tell about a secret or a confession. If you like you can try it too. You can leave your secret or confession anonymously. You will not only get relieved but you will meet people who will be ready to interact with you. It is sure not a therapy but I say give it a try. Good luck.